Sorry

I am sorry...how many times I have heard those words from your mouth...I am sorry, it wasn't meant to hurt you...but guess what it did hurt me.  For years I though I am sorry meant I had to forgive, I had to forget, I had to swallow it..See next time it will be different.  Next time he won't yell those horrible things, push me around, be little me, or undermined me. All because he said I am sorry...Those three magical words that are suppose to make everything ok.  

What I have learned is I am sorry does not erase what was done..Forgiveness can take time, but without forgiveness the only person that I am hurting is me.  That forgiveness doesn't give permission for them to do it again.  Forgiveness frees me.  It takes more energy and anger to hold a grudge then it does to forgive.  But I had to learn how to...That forgiving someone doesn't mean I have to step back into the "abusive" situation, it means I can hold my head up, feel sure of myself, and walk away from an unhealthy situation, knowing and believing I deserve better.

Its when I look into myself and ask what does holding this grudge do for me...if I continue to feel "wronged" again and again how is it serving me.  What I learned is it hurts me, it takes my precocious energy my happiness, my strength , in fact I am still feeding into the problem when I do not forgive.

When I truely look at what forgiveness will do for me, is it is freeing, it allows my focus to be on the things I enjoy, rather then focus on the wrongs that have been done to me.  It allows me to look at what part of me does this remind me of.  and most importantly I would want to be forgiven, so I must offer forgiveness.

This does not always come easily, of course when you bump into someone and say sorry, or get into a minor fender bender those are easy things to forgive. its the hurtful words, the lies, the deception, the abuse that we/I have allowed for so long , its forgiving that then and only then am I free.  This is a very conscious effort on my part, and it appears to be on the people I have spoken to.  I cannot wait around for those people who have "wronged" me to change.  I and only I am responsible to create the life I imagine, and to feel the way I want to feel.

Here is an obvious one. If i bang my head against the wall and it hurts, why would I do it again? and expect different result.  its the same thing if I go to the same person looking for some kind of emotional or physical support that they are not able to give, then I will get the same result disappointment, anger, and frustration.

When I take the time to forgive the person for their short comings, it allows me to open myself up to people who are able to give me both emotional and physical support, resulting in feeling cared for, loved, accepted.  THis is upto me and nobody else.

I can have any life that I want, its about the choices I make to be the person I am,How I feel on the inside about myself will reflect in the people I draw around me.  When I feel happy and content with myself I draw happy and content people into my life, When I am beating myself up and telling myself I am a failure or I could have done better, then I will end up with the people around me telling me the same thing.

Forgiveness opens up to endless possibilities, it is freeing, allowing our creativity and our love to be dominate, to be able to reach for all the endless possibilities life has to offer

Try it one day at a time.  Tell yourself I forge(insert Name) for the wrong they have done me. I wish them peace and happiness.  Say this everyday at least once a day even if you have trouble beleiving it in the morning.  Hopefully in a bout a week you will begin to feel lighter emotionally, fovusing more on what you love to do